I have a very important job right now. Right now my human isn’t feeling well. It’s my job to take care of her.
This has meant long hours of staying up and giving up my cat naps so I can watch her every movement. I know when she comes and when she goes.
If she’s awake and on her computer, I must snuggle with her and comfort her. I put my paws on her human paws as she tries to type to remind her not to work too hard but to rest. Eventually she starts petting me so I think she gets the message.
Typically, I graze my food bowl throughout the day. But I have been trying to eat at regular intervals so that I can bug her about an empty food bowl so that she too will fill her own food bowl. I’ve given up my diet temporarily but I feel it is for a good cause.
If she is sleeping too long or I’m worried she won’t wake up, I try to sleep on my head. She is not used to this as usually I sleep by her feet. But so far it’s working – it wakes her up and I know she is ok.
But mostly my job is to be beside her at all times.
I have been discovering – to my amazement – that some things are apparently really not ok.
… like, apparently it’s not ok to wake my human up at 5 in the morning
… apparently it’s not ok to stick my claws inside my human’s ears when she is sleeping
… apparently it’s not ok to play bite with the bunnies. But it’s ok for them to bite me if they are scared. Go figure.
… apparently it’s not ok for me to leave my poop unburied. Human number two drags me to the box and makes me cover it up. It’s my poop – I should be able to choose whether I bury it or not.
… apparently it’s not ok to scratch the wall. The human house is not a gigantic scratch pad for me
… apparently clawing human number two’s suitcases is not ok despite a) the fact that my claws sink perfectly into the side and b) she said it was mine anyways at one point.
… apparently it’s not ok for me to take on the style of a hairless kitty cat (see my blog post here). So what if my human thinks it is unflattering. She just doesn’t get my sense of style.
… apparently it’s not ok for me to snore louder than the streetcar noises outside.
… apparently it’s not ok to have breakfasts, second breakfasts, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea dinner, and supper like the hobbits (as well as a bedtime snack, of course).
Today has been a terrible no good very bad day.
Human number 2 pulled out boxes and started putting things in them. This can only mean one thing: she is moving.
To understand what a terrible thing this is let me tell you about Human number 2 for a moment. Human number 2 is allergic to me, but likes me anyways. She lets me sleep on her bed and has made a special spot for me to sleep on her dresses. She brings me magic water every day and even has a poop box in her room. She took care of me while my human was away for awhile. I try my best to help her with her papers but I get tired and fall asleep on her arm while she writes.
I have decided that Human number 2 is simply not allowed to leave.
I will sleep on the remainder of the boxes so that she cannot pack them. She will have to stay.
She will thank me later.
Today my food bowl has been empty.
Well, empty except for the bit of food that was in there this morning. But that doesn’t count because I was saving some of my supper from last night just in case I’m never fed again.
My human apparently wasn’t paying attention and did not arise at an early hour to let me out of my room to have my saved breakfast. So I dug my claws into her head until she woke up. Then I stuck my rear end in her face. Eventually she got the message.
Because I had food in my bowl, my human didn’t feel that I needed anymore. Again, she had forgotten that I had deprived myself of a full dinner in order to save food in case the world had come to an end. I finally begged loud enough though that I think she felt sorry for me and gave me a bit of food.
When I say a bit, I mean a bit. It was hardly a snack, let alone a meal. I scarfed it down in a matter of seconds.
and the food bowl has been empty since.
I’ve quietly waited.
but it’s still empty.
like my belly.
my poor little belly.
woe is me.
My human promised a trip to the big sandbox to watch the sunset. I eagerly let her put on my leash. I even let her put me in that silly human baby carrier. We walked to the bus stop while I shook in fear. Then we entered the dreadful bus.
People kept looking at me as if they’ve never seen a cat in a baby carrier before.
We made the bus driver’s day. She was happy to see me. I liked her. She thought I was adorable.
My human carried me, promising me for what seemed like forever to take me to a place where I could smell and roam around. But we walked past the big sandbox.
We got to the docks where there was a swan. I think the swan was a little self-absorbed with its own beauty for it continued to stop and pose in the sunset for human number two to take pictures of it. When human number two stopped taking pictures to pay attention to me, the swan had the audacity to interrupt my petting.
Clearly this swan is not educated on the pecking order. Seriously – cats have been worshipped since the time of the Ancient Egyptians. It surely should have known better.
And the I discovered this was all a trap. it was to get me to exercise.
I admit I fell for it at first. I ran part of the dock to see what was in store. But then my human wanted me to run back to human number two. And I realized the plan was not nature discovery but exercise.
So I protested.
With a belly flop.
Next time I shall be wary of “Trips to the big sandbox”
(Pictures courtesy of Human Number Two)
Last night my human was out really late.
She told me she was going to be out really late. Apparently she was “babysitting”. I question that. She told me she would return after midnight. I still don’t know what that means. For cats, time is very simply defined: nap time, food time, sleep time, food time, bed time, food time. Whatever ‘midnight’ is, it was late. Really late.
Human number two went to bed. Human number two usually goes to bed after human number one so you know human number one was out REALLY late.
So I had a choice.
I could wait up for human number one who might never return.
… I could have a sleepover with human number two!
So I slept in human number two’s room ALL night.
This I must do again.
My new enemy.
Goose invaded my home in January of this year. Human number 2 brought it into the home without consulting me first. Apparently she hasn’t read the manual for anyone I let live here.
It’s honk sounds half way between a battle cry and a dying animal. Sometimes Goose sounds like Amazing Grace but there ain’t anything amazing or graceful about Goose.
It’s loud and disrespectful to my quiet abode.
Goose’s lack of submission to my request that it remain silent during rest periods and beauty sleeps is rather disturbing. At least the rabbits are relatively quiet.
Speaking of the rabbits, they do not care for Goose either. I have consulted them and we have all decided that Goose must go.
Goose only comes out about once a day for a few minutes. And human number 2 is attached to him, never leaving his side for the whole time he is out.
The rest of the time Goose is in hiding. I will give Goose a little bit of credit – he knows to hide the rest of the time. Otherwise, Goose would… well, let’s just say Goose would go permanently missing.
*Editorial Note: Goose is the nickname for a practice chanter in preparation for learning the bagpipes. Human number 2 says that real bagpipes are quite expensive and it will be awhile before Goose is replaced with the real deal. Shalom the Cat and human number 1 are quite relieved this is the case.